||[Oct. 19th, 2005|01:55 pm]
I had a dream last night. I was back at Shingetsu and everyone was hiding. My parents were still alive, too, and I could see them staring at me from window, but their faces were white and blurry. We were waiting for Oniichan to come back, I think. Only he was going to be late and I knew it. So it was just me, alone, standing in the middle of the town, holding Oniichan's broken katana. There were men coming toward me. They were dressed entirely in black, their faces masked and they were holding swords dripping in blood.
Suddenly I realized that everyone in the village was dead, and I was the only one left. I was scared, but I wanted to kill them more. Kill them for what they'd done. Oniichan's sword got heavy- and the closer the men came, the heavier it got- but I couldn't let go of it. And I was being pulled down by the katana. I couldn't let go, but even though I threw my entire weight into it, I couldn't lift it either. They came closer and closer still, and I was scared. I can remember screaming in frustration, trying to pull the sword up. Trying so hard and I was crying. Saitou-san appeared in the distance, I could just see him out of the corner of my eye. He was watching me. Waiting for me to pull the sword up. I could feel his eyes on me, wanting me to prove myself. To lift up the sword and fight all these bloodthirsty bastards who'd killed my family.
Still--I couldn't lift it. I was crouched on the ground and I could feel the rough hilt between my hands but I couldn't even let go. It was like there were heavy stones in my stomach, bringing me down. And the men were closer, all most on top of me and I could feel Saitou-san's disapproval of my weakness. The men were almost on top of me- laughing. I looked down at the sword, knowing I was going to die. Then... then a hand touched mine, and I knew it wanted me to let go of the sword. At first I didn't want to. I still wanted to do something. But the hand stayed there, patient but urging- And-even though I could still feel Saitou-san watching, wanting me to pick it up. I let the sword go. And I felt light. Wonderfully light, almost as if I could fly.
The hand helped me up, though I didn't need it- And when I turned to thank who had helped me, I saw it was Kenshin. The village disappeared, all of it dissappeared, the village, the men, Saitou-san. It just sort of melted away and it was just him and me in a field of white. He smiled at me in that way he has. Gently. Like you were the only person in the world that that particular smile was for. Then he touched my head and walked away. I watched him go-and when he was finally swallowed by the white I woke up and I was crying.
I think I know what the dream meant. The weight of a sword is heavy. The weight of blood is heavy. That's what it seemed to be saying. That it would only drag me down, until I couldn't even move any more. But- But there are some people who don't care. Bloodless people who don't care what they do to others. And if I have to get dragged down to protect those who can't defend themselves, then I will. That's what Oniichan tried to do for me, and that's what I'll do for them. Even though it's more peaceful now then it was- Some people still have to be strong.